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About Literature / Hobbyist june ✿Female/United States Groups :iconwritersleague: WritersLeague
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Dumb Teenager Doing Dumb Teenage Things
I found a half smoked cigarette weeks into itching to try
Kept it in my pocket for a 6 hour shift
Cut off the burnt end
Relit after work
I choked and wanted to puke
It burnt my both my lungs and throat
It smelled like god forsaking the human race
I needed to sit down
I spent a grand total of 13.76
I got 2 black boxes for a discount of 50 cents each
A savings of a dollar +tax
Illegally sold them to myself
My first entire cigarette was hell
but you better believe I saw it through
I didn't spend 1.9 hours worth of my minimum wage on these
To not smoke the suckers
I stood by the big pine
more, I stood behind.
I shielded myself from the wandering eyes
of those that knew I was under age
I coughed violently
but you better believe I saw it though
I have done much worse to myself
for 0 dollars
I sat straddling the border between my neighbor's yard
and the street, an actual mug in hand
Chocolate hazlenut tea was the first,
the cigarette was the third
I felt woozy and still wanted to puke
but you
:iconterrehbau5:Terrehbau5 1 0
California Boys Still Feel Like the Sunshine...
I wish it still felt like the incandescent glow of the star that
breathes life into the organisms that help breath life into us.
Instead it feels like a searing hot butterknife jammed between
bones in the icebox I've called a ribcage
Hope burns my insides like moonshine,
And the thought of you makes me want to vomit.
No disgust, no regret that causes the gag reflex to engage,
But I can't handle moonshine, and I can't handle thoughts of you.
Somehow, I find myself solely thinking of that.
What I'd do to get the sunshine back,
What crosses I'd never bare again to make me good enough.
How could I appeal
How could I be worth more
Worth your time
Worth any sacrifice at all.
What I mostly think about is how on this little planet,
Me, planet earth
How I have been destroyed by a nuclear holocaust
How the skies have gone from blue and bright to dull gray nothing
How I have nearly destroyed myself, and I would get on both knees
and beg and pray and sacrifice those willing and those not
to escape
:iconterrehbau5:Terrehbau5 1 0
brainwork (1)
i miss the sound of your voice
but i'm glad you've conquered wanting to hear mine
i miss speaking to you frequently
but i'm glad you couldn't give a fuck less
because this is a bad feeling
and i'd hate for you to wait around at my beck and call
like i have yours
because this is a bad feeling
being unwanted
is a bad feeling
it stops me from believing you
i don't understand how you can love or care for me
when i get a response from you via text once an hour
if lucky
this lonliness and isolation
forced lonliness and isolation
is enough to make me want to die
it's not just you
but you felt like the barrier
you felt like the difference between good
and what i'm forced to live with
now i know it's not true
and to tell you it hurts
to be unloved, to not be cared about
would be an understatement
to such a degree
i would call it a lie
this does not hurt me
this kills me
it cripples me
there was a reason
i strayed from commitment.
this was it.
i keep telling myself i wont text you back
:iconterrehbau5:Terrehbau5 1 0
The River Didn't Run Dry, It Ran Away
Quick question, babe.
What exactly does kind of mean to you?
Boy, I'd walk barefoot on broken glass doused in lemon juice for
9,000 miles if it only meant I could hold your clammy ass
hand for a pitiful millisecond.
I'd rip both of my eyeballs out of my skull and sacrifice them
to any god you asked me to if it would keep you with me forever.
I'd do your chemistry homework if you had it.
I'd also do your calculus.
I'd stop using my favorite lotion if the scent bugged you.
I'd ditch the bikinis and hipsters and fill my drawers with pink
thongs if that would make you happy.
I have never wanted to rip you to fucking shreds after you call
me at 3 or 4 in the morning, drunk. In fact I've been glad to
hear your voice.
I threw away my only coping tools. Maybe it wasn't good, real
coping. But it was how I did it. And every last dull blade is
in the garbage and I haven't even broken up a razor and gotten
any "just in case."
I want to know what kind of means to you.
I know what
:iconterrehbau5:Terrehbau5 1 0
in less than 5 seconds of my arrival
I hope
I do not anticipate
there is too much going on in
a small space, between blue lines
and red, paper and tissue
to distinguish reality from
implicit intrigue.
I hope
I do not anticipate
play-doh sculptures of cats
never look like fucking cats
when they’re dried up, and when
it’s been three years since you
have seen that piece of shit.
I hope
I do not anticipate
method actors that can’t pull
themselves from the character
a few words out of billions that
their imagination has forged.
wonder not where they got shuffled into the madness.
I hope
I do not anticipate
the difference lies in arrogance
never fully committed to the idea
that it will happen. I want. I ache.
though there is not a single bone
out of 200 some that expects fruition.
:iconterrehbau5:Terrehbau5 1 0
why tonight was shit
typing the name that leaves the taste of decay and violence in my mouth into the search bar
first mistake.
wishing you knew what damage you have caused. what ashes of a human being you have left in your wake.
second mistake.
punching my wall 47 times because your face isn't available.
third mistake.
looking at the picture for your profile until the memories flooded back into my projector skull.
fourth mistake.
:iconterrehbau5:Terrehbau5 1 0
When She Speaks To Me
You think binge eating is what will make you strong? Will gain you respect? Do you think willpower is bred from endless self indulgence? Girls don't get to the top being spineless little fucks, you are well aware. You stand taller when you're weightless. Your spine is burdened by no weight.
Are you really so stupid as to believe the lies your instinct tells you? Sugar is fucking nothing. A few grains of addiction that melts itself down into fat that hugs your legs and stomach. Like you didn't already know. You can't plead ignorance to me, you knew it all along because I taught you.
Delusional people think that stuffing their face with the entire kitchen won't impede attempts at perfection. Stupid people think they'll just bounce back, like they're a rubber band rather than a plastic bag someone stretched out of shape with their finger. Are you stupid, girl?
This is your warning. All you have to do is comply. My rules are your rules, you act like we aren't the same. You lost the privile
:iconterrehbau5:Terrehbau5 3 0
Before I Can Become a Writer
Hate books. If I want to read it,
I can sure as hell write it.
Take pride in my work. Make
sure nobody else reads it though,
it sounded less shitty in my head, I swear.
Develop thirty terrible coping skills
for every good one. This is my only
good one.
Write about my shitty coping skills.
Vivid inpatient imagery, what it's like
to rip open my skin with a rusty blade
after crying so hard I wanted to puke,
what it feels like to be a slave to
laxatives, of all fucking pills, and
how it feels to hate myself for consuming
a full calorie milk. Write about the
things that are out to get me, hiding in the dark
corners of any and all nooks and crannies they can find.
Then erase that because I sound nuts.
Be terrified of writing about love,
lest I genuinely accept that I feel it.
Don't write anything positive for anyone.
Don't do it. Don't give them that piece of me.
Pretend I don't engage in cliche while
most likely engaging in cliche. Damn it.
Have the burning desire to write about
tea and cof
:iconterrehbau5:Terrehbau5 2 2
I'll Let it Go This Time... (And Every Time After)
You can't let yourself care.
I understand.
I'm not angry at you.
It's too fucking dangerous, believe me
I know the feeling.
Same one I had when you said
the l word
because I love you too, but Christ,
if I had a penny every time someone didn't mean it,
I'd be able to buy two Bill Gates...
And I suppose it's starting to feel like
it's your turn to cough up your change
to the lie jar, baby.
I haven't been keeping score of insincerity,
so I'm using the honor system. Don't make me regret it.
You told me about your growing sense of apathy.
I told you I wasn't surprised, it even scared me.
Here I am, on the fucking precipice, I'd bleed myself dry,
And you couldn't give half a fuck less. This isn't anger,
this is a hurt I can't fathom articulating properly.
You expected me to promise to stay by your side forever,
So you expect me to believe you'll want me forever?
That's honestly laughable. You, like the rest, will outgrow
me and you will rob me of trust and you will only serve
to thick
:iconterrehbau5:Terrehbau5 0 0
california boys feel like the sunshine
maybe this is the first time someone's written about the boy
that makes me feel like i'm worth something more than i give
myself credit for.
i hope so, regardless of whether or not he sees this, because if
anyone else finds it in them to describe their feelings about him
in verse, there will be a bar set
he gets a piece of me no one else has been so lucky to receive
without me forcing myself
"why don't you write one about me"
because my feelings for you are like tea that's been steeping for
30 seconds in cold water
and my feelings for him are intense and more genuine than i would
normally care to admit to myself and certainly stronger than i
normally care to admit to others
more to the point,
california boys feel like the sunshine.
late april and i've still got snow caked in my boots
though it all melted weeks ago.
i sleep with my bedroom window wide open,
a fan on high to drag the algor in by it's throat.
i'm used to being frozen
i like to keep it that way.
i put up a wintry front, ha
:iconterrehbau5:Terrehbau5 5 3
Eat Me
what are you willing to sacrifice to stay awake today?
go ahead, have a snack.
i'll see you in the bathroom and we'll cut it out of you.
i dare you, kid. make your fucking move. piece of shit.
go ahead, indulge.
your birthday dinner doesn't taste as good coming up, does it?
keep fucking up. please. i like to watch you squirm after you've realized you've destroyed the city of bones you commissioned.
justify it one more time.
go ahead. make your move.
i'll be your salvation when you stop being so lazy. control yourself.
bite the hand that feeds.
that's right, baby, rip 'em to shreds, but don't swallow.
you've worked long and hard, that's for sure. somehow, you're still unworthy. work harder.
does 500 scare you? good.
don't even think about it.
:iconterrehbau5:Terrehbau5 3 0
Ugly Pink Lumps
Why do these scars threaten you?
I hurt myself.
Never anyone else.
What is wrong with a t-shirt?
It took me years to gain the confidence
In my appearance to walk outside and show complete healing.
That's what my scars are now.
I haven't cut myself open, I haven't tried to bleed myself dry.
I am healing, just like the deeper wounds.
How am I glamorizing self harm by not being ashamed of my past any more?
In what way is my growing past a lack of confidence in my ability to outshine pink eyesores
Promoting that other people should do it? These are cautionary tales, not life models.
Each individual line is not an expression on canvas, I will be the first to tell.
Every single cell in these marks are gruesome, agonizing fights against myself. I made the mistake to become my own worst enemy.
There is nothing beautiful or romantic about a war fought in your own body.
There is also nothing wrong with having fought. You don't have a choice. Every scarred body has been drafted.
I am not for your
:iconterrehbau5:Terrehbau5 1 0
What A Waste
Mom what did I tell you about the monster in my room?
It hung out by the mirror and looked me dead in the eyes every time I passed by.
It laughed at the way I dressed and the fat on my stomach,
It tells me daily I'm better off waiting to catch my ride to hell on the train tracks across the street.
Mom why did you try and convince me that it didn't exist?
Because surely, surely nothing else could even be as real as this.
Mom, I've seen a lot and heard a lot.
Physically impossible orations and apparitions that should have never been there.
I get the clozapine is to make me less crazy, mom, I'm sorry.
But I think you don't understand.
The reality of it all is, I could take every last pill in that bottle.
I could get a refill or three.
Maybe I should stop speaking in metaphor because it was like the disorganized speech that was practically in tongues,
But mom every time I look in the mirror, I see the most horrific monster...
And no amount of sanity will make me go away.
:iconterrehbau5:Terrehbau5 3 0
A Delicate Thing
Sara, call it a cliché
Your eyes have put the hope diamond
Into jealous waves,
Rocking the oceans to their sandy bottom.
Your potential stirs up rust from
Ships once grand and majestic,
Now dormant in the cold dark depths
Of eternity and praying to take it all back.
Sweet baby girl I want you to know,
I've seen the world's frigid hands.
I've stared death in the eyes and told it to take the shot.
I've tasted rot and blood and diseases without a trace.
I've felt myself being blended into ashen sludge.
I've smelt temptation and allowed it to sweep me off my feet.
I want you to know,
When someone tells you they don't like you because of your tummy, I'd like to see you to spit in their awful face.
You deserve love, ribs or rolls.
When you think you're worth less because of the number on your jeans, I want you to call me. I'll remind you your heart is as big as it's got to be, and that's what matters.
You are not to be ashamed of a number.
I want you to know,
When you eat a cake and som
:iconterrehbau5:Terrehbau5 1 0
low feeling
What does all of this say about me?
When I try so very hard
To be worth a damn, and somehow
I always come in dead last
If I even managed to place.
Maybe the hands that didn't bother
To ask for consent I couldn't even give
Passed on a curse that dooms me
To be shackled to infinite impurity and invisibility.
Was it the way I rocked back and forth
Covered my ears and asked the voices to
Politely fuck off, and when they wouldn't,
Whispers turned to broken screams in front of you and the rest of 3rd period.
Did catching me puking my demons up
In the school bathroom make people think
I'm empty anyway, I can't feel the rejection?
Somehow immune to being unwanted because I'll void myself of feeling anyway?
Is it the scars on my arms?
Weird pink lumps that kinda freaked Dan out,
Maybe you should wear long sleeves.
What would the teachers think? They'd report your mom for abuse.
Battered and stoic like a roman god immortalized in marble, I wear my imperfections and faults and mistakes and proble
:iconterrehbau5:Terrehbau5 2 0
Them Bones
I'd love to say that
I wouldn't kill just to run my hands
Over protruding hips.
Dips in the surface of purity,
Unrefined goodness.
Full of craving emptiness.
Breathless and begging.
Ribs rippling the surface of
A heaving chest.
Best interests are no matter,
No mind to those who's skeletons presence
Exceeds that of their personality.
Banality is to say it's unhealthy,
I know I'm in deep
When stability comes from destruction.
Instruction from a force beyond
Basic understanding, numerical values
Beyond your comprehension.
Superstition like that of no other,
Binds with paralyzing and somehow
Tantalizing fear.
Clear reflection proves nothing,
I'd do it over and over and over.
I'd let it kill me a thousand times.
Sometimes I think reaching a goal will be enough,
Others I want to beat my own personal worst.
Mostly, I'd just like to decay in peace.
:iconterrehbau5:Terrehbau5 3 2




june ✿
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
United States
Check out my literature group and join please: :iconwritersleague:

I suffer from a few chronic mental illnesses and I am very sensitive to triggers. Please be wary of talking to me about subjects like specific weights, BMIs, caloric intakes, exercise patters, purging, restricting, and things of that nature. I would also appreciate refraining from mentioning self harm in graphic detail. Thank you.

I fall off the face of the planet sometimes and don't update shit for like three years at a time on accident so I'm sorry I just do other things and get caught up with things and I'm a dangass I know and I apologize but falling off the planet doesn't mean I hate you you're a little ball of fuzzy joy and if there was a plush of you I'd so buy it and squeeze it's cheeks.

Feel free to thank if you want you're awesome and mannerly if you say thank you for stuff. I'm not about to demand llamas instead that's assy.


Terrehbau5 has started a donation pool!
544 / 2,396
:iconbeesarchive: :iconalcetore: :iconthe-infamous-mrgates: :icondoofiesaurus: :iconnikafargos:

So I can buy a permanent membership that I really want because i have no actual money. Will make fansigns and give llamas for points too.

Fansigns for points: Fansigns will be made and uploaded Fridays and Saturdays only. If you ask for fansigns on a Saturday your fansign will most likely be made THE NEXT WEEK. To acquire a fansign you must message me requesting one and what you want the fansign to read . If caps/punctuation are important please include them. Please set the amount of points you are willing to donate (10 or more.) If there are any delays in the fansign being able to be made, I will notify you and your minimum of points to donate will be lowered to 5. Requests for provocative fansigns or images will be rejected immediately.

Writing for points: You may request a one-shot or a short story to be written. You must include specific plot details if you have anything specific in mind. If you simply want something like a fluffy love fest between you and Harry Styles and don't care about the other details, please state this.
Point outline for writing:
< 3,000 characters - point range will vary
3,000 characters - 30 points
4,000 characters - 40 points
5,000 characters - 50 points

As previously stated I will also give llamas for points. 1 or more points must be donated to receive a llama.

You must be logged in to donate.
  • :icondahub:
    Donated Jul 9, 2016, 4:51:42 AM
  • :iconnikafargos:
    Donated Aug 14, 2014, 4:44:03 AM
I'm bored as dicks and found a questionairre on someone else's dA so I was like "better put off finishing your character profiles for as long as humanly possible" so now you know my motives in this.

Nearly 17.


Label yourself (prep, goth, druggie, weirdo, etc)
Grunge fuckwit.

How long have you been cutting?
Over a year. Used to do unintentional self harm? Like, I would absentmindedly scratch my skin open when I got anxious.

Favourite tool?
I break shaving razors/take them apart.

Where (place) do you cut (school, home, etc.)?

Do you have to wear long-sleeves & long-pants all the time?
I generally don't anymore but when I cut frequently in visible places (lower arms) I did.

Do you cut on your stomach, or chest?
Not frequently.

Are your legs, arms, & other body parts covered in scars?
Arms, upper thighs.

What’s your favourite excuse to use when someone asks about a cut?
I tell little kids I've got a mean cat and anyone else that asks gets a blunt "fuck you, it's no concern of yours."

Have you ever been hospitalized because of your cutting?
Twice. It wasn't ALL I got hospitalized for, but it's what sealed the deal in me going.

When was the last time you cut?
September 17th, 2014.

Off the top of your head, about how many scars do you have?
Easily over 125 visible ones.

Do you have (diagnosed) depression, and/or bipolar/bpd?
Depression, no BPD. I've had depression forever, I attribute the cutting to the development of my ED.

Who knows you cut?
Eveyone that meets me and knows that these scars aren't just birthmarks or some other odd thing.

Have you ever been caught cutting?

Have your parents ever confronted you about a bloody sleeve, or towel?

Did you have a good childhood?

Why do you cut?
Punishment. Distraction. Relief. I fucking hate myself and want to see me hurt.

Have you ever talked to a therapist or counsellor?

Do you want to stop cutting (but can’t because of addiction)?
Not particularly. I

Do you like cutting?
Pretty much.

How many times have you tried to commit suicide?

What are your views on cutting, and other self-injury?
Get a hobby like writing or singing. This is 100% preventable, so don't fucking dip your toes in the water to even see what it feels like. Don't do it.

Do you like watching movies with self-injury?
Those exist??

Do you like looking at pictures of self-injury?

Do you sometimes envy other people (non-self-injurers)

Have you ever taken any pictures of your cuts/scars?
Yeah. I don't think self injury is beautiful or anything. I have a fear of forgetting things so I "document" what the really bad cuts have looked like.

Do you want to die?

Have you ever done a school assignment on cutting, or self-injury?

What do you like to listen to while cutting/depression/etc.?
I don't listen to anything. I don't want to associate music with self harm in the future.

Have you ever needed stitches from cutting?
There have been two times I should have received stitches but no one knew I needed them so I didn't get them.

Do you dream about cutting?
I don't do a lot of dreaming.

What do you use to bandage your cuts?
Gauze, sometimes tissue and tape.
  • Playing: dick around



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LordIheanacho Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Happy Birthday comrade!
May equality and equity guide us all.

Birthday cake  icon Free Undertale Sans Headbob Icon 1 
Captain-MaggiePie Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2015  Student Artist
You're so cute ;w;
Terrehbau5 Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
oh god i hope you're not going off of any of the pictures i have here haha
thank you though
starlightt1234 Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:iconloveluvplz:thanks so much for the fave on THIS STUFF IS AWESOME #3!:iconaawplz:
SpaceShipEarth Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2014
Welcome to :iconliterature-anonymous:
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