california boys feel like the sunshine

maybe this is the first time someone's written about the boy
that makes me feel like i'm worth something more than i give
myself credit for.

i hope so, regardless of whether or not he sees this, because if
anyone else finds it in them to describe their feelings about him
in verse, there will be a bar set

he gets a piece of me no one else has been so lucky to receive
without me forcing myself

"why don't you write one about me"
because my feelings for you are like tea that's been steeping for
30 seconds in cold water

and my feelings for him are intense and more genuine than i would
normally care to admit to myself and certainly stronger than i
normally care to admit to others

more to the point,

california boys feel like the sunshine.

late april and i've still got snow caked in my boots
though it all melted weeks ago.

i sleep with my bedroom window wide open,
a fan on high to drag the algor in by it's throat.

i'm used to being frozen
i like to keep it that way.

i put up a wintry front, harsh and unforgiving,
sometimes i'm so convincing even i believe the facade.

my blood is too solid to pump through to my heart,
a stagnant circulatory system.

i feel frigid.
i do not know any more than this.

i am callous, numb
i am mid December, bleak and grey.

cold to the touch, chilled to the core
frost bites those that dare to attempt entry.

i do not let people into the ice box
i never would, because one of us will get hurt.

and suddenly

as if i had never been the apex of a pole,
it is 78 degrees and climbing.

this boy from california feels like the god damn sunshine.

i'm almost too scared to remember the warm,
but the boy from california makes me never want to forget.

an average distance of 93 million miles,
and now an entire continent.

i've found myself sleeping with an extra blanket because
i can't bring myself to be fully without something reminiscent of the incandescent glow.

though he says he's callous and empty,
he feels like late July, bright and ambitious

more hours in the day to seize,
nights spent wide awake with disregard to sleep

bare heart and soul like arms and legs when it's simply
too hot to parade around in denim jeans.

he can bring about a thaw that i did not believe for one second
i would see in this lifetime,

because his presence feels like the sunshine.

and i hope that this is the first poem he's ever been written,
i hope this sets the standard. because anyone as special as
he is deserves more than red roses and blue violets.