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About Literature / Hobbyist Member june ✿Female/United States Groups :iconwritersleague: WritersLeague
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maybe this is the first time someone's written about the boy
that makes me feel like i'm worth something more than i give
myself credit for.

i hope so, regardless of whether or not he sees this, because if
anyone else finds it in them to describe their feelings about him
in verse, there will be a bar set

he gets a piece of me no one else has been so lucky to receive
without me forcing myself

"why don't you write one about me"
because my feelings for you are like tea that's been steeping for
30 seconds in cold water

and my feelings for him are intense and more genuine than i would
normally care to admit to myself and certainly stronger than i
normally care to admit to others

more to the point,

california boys feel like the sunshine.

late april and i've still got snow caked in my boots
though it all melted weeks ago.

i sleep with my bedroom window wide open,
a fan on high to drag the chill in by it's throat.

i'm used to being frozen
i like to keep it that way.

i put up a cold front, i do not feel shit,
sometimes i'm so convincing even i believe the facade.

my blood is too solid to pump through to my heart,
a stagnant circulatory system.

i feel cold.
i do not know any more than this.

i am callous, numb
i am mid December, bleak and grey.

cold to the touch, chilled to the core
frost bites those that dare to attempt entry.

i do not let people into the ice box
i never would, because one of us will get hurt.

and suddenly

as if i had never been the apex of a pole,
it is 78 degrees and climbing.

this boy from california feels like the god damn sunshine.

i'm almost too scared to remember the warm,
but the boy from california makes me never want to forget.

an average distance of 93 million miles,
and now an entire continent.

i've found myself sleeping with an extra blanket because
i can't bring myself to be fully without the sensation he's left.

though he says he's callous and empty,
he feels like late July, bright and ambitious

more hours in the day to seize,
nights spent wide awake with disregard to sleep

bare heart and soul like arms and legs when it's simply
too hot to parade around in denim jeans.

he can bring about a thaw that i did not believe for one second
i would see in this lifetime,

because his presence feels like the sunshine.

and i hope that this is the first poem he's ever been written,
i hope this sets the standard. because anyone as special as
he is deserves more than red roses and blue violets.
what are you willing to sacrifice to stay awake today?

go ahead, have a snack.
i'll see you in the bathroom and we'll cut it out of you.

i dare you, kid. make your fucking move. piece of shit.

go ahead, indulge.
your birthday dinner doesn't taste as good coming up, does it?

keep fucking up. please. i like to watch you squirm after you've realized you've destroyed the city of bones you commissioned.

justify it one more time.
go ahead. make your move.

i'll be your salvation when you stop being so lazy. control yourself.

bite the hand that feeds.
that's right, baby, rip 'em to shreds, but don't swallow.

you've worked long and hard, that's for sure. somehow, you're still unworthy. work harder.

does 500 scare you? good.
don't even think about it.

failure.
Why do these scars threaten you?
I hurt myself.
Never anyone else.

What is wrong with a t-shirt?
It took me years to gain the confidence
In my appearance to walk outside and show complete healing.

That's what my scars are now.
I haven't cut myself open, I haven't tried to bleed myself dry.
I am healing, just like the deeper wounds.

How am I glamorizing self harm by not being ashamed of my past any more?
In what way is my growing past a lack of confidence in my ability to outshine pink eyesores
Promoting that other people should do it? These are cautionary tales, not life models.

Each individual line is not an expression on canvas, I will be the first to tell.
Every single cell in these marks are gruesome, agonizing fights against myself. I made the mistake to become my own worst enemy.
There is nothing beautiful or romantic about a war fought in your own body.

There is also nothing wrong with having fought. You don't have a choice. Every scarred body has been drafted.
I am not for your viewing pleasure or the topic of your controversy. I am not for ridicule or romanticization. Please leave my body's history out of your mind unless I'm paying you with my health insurance.
These scars are losses that turned into an overall victory, because I still stand today.

These scars are with me forever, they are reminders that things may escalate out of control, but I am strong enough to survive any conditions.
These scars are what have shown me both my strength and weakness, and I am not ashamed.
I will defend these ugly pink lumps until you understand they are none of your concern, because I will never be made to feel like less of a person for my history.

deviantID

Terrehbau5
june ✿
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
United States
Check out my literature group and join please: :iconwritersleague:

I suffer from a few chronic mental illnesses and I am very sensitive to triggers. Please be wary of talking to me about subjects like specific weights, BMIs, caloric intakes, exercise patters, purging, restricting, and things of that nature. I would also appreciate refraining from mentioning self harm in graphic detail. Thank you.

I fall off the face of the planet sometimes and don't update shit for like three years at a time on accident so I'm sorry I just do other things and get caught up with things and I'm a dangass I know and I apologize but falling off the planet doesn't mean I hate you you're a little ball of fuzzy joy and if there was a plush of you I'd so buy it and squeeze it's cheeks.

Feel free to thank if you want you're awesome and mannerly if you say thank you for stuff. I'm not about to demand llamas instead that's assy.
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Terrehbau5 has started a donation pool!
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SAINTS:
:icongorebeecormick: :iconalcetore: :iconart-of-the-seraphim: :icondoofiesaurus: :iconnikafargos:

So I can buy a permanent membership that I really want because i have no actual money. Will make fansigns and give llamas for points too.

Fansigns for points: Fansigns will be made and uploaded Fridays and Saturdays only. If you ask for fansigns on a Saturday your fansign will most likely be made THE NEXT WEEK. To acquire a fansign you must message me requesting one and what you want the fansign to read . If caps/punctuation are important please include them. Please set the amount of points you are willing to donate (10 or more.) If there are any delays in the fansign being able to be made, I will notify you and your minimum of points to donate will be lowered to 5. Requests for provocative fansigns or images will be rejected immediately.

Writing for points: You may request a one-shot or a short story to be written. You must include specific plot details if you have anything specific in mind. If you simply want something like a fluffy love fest between you and Harry Styles and don't care about the other details, please state this.
Point outline for writing:
< 3,000 characters - point range will vary
3,000 characters - 30 points
4,000 characters - 40 points
5,000 characters - 50 points
etc.

As previously stated I will also give llamas for points. 1 or more points must be donated to receive a llama.

You must be logged in to donate.
  • :iconnikafargos:
    nikafargos
    Donated Aug 14, 2014, 4:44:03 AM
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    dAhub
    Donated Jun 6, 2014, 9:39:09 PM
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I'm bored as dicks and found a questionairre on someone else's dA so I was like "better put off finishing your character profiles for as long as humanly possible" so now you know my motives in this.

Age?
Nearly 17.

Sex?
Female

Label yourself (prep, goth, druggie, weirdo, etc)
Grunge fuckwit.

How long have you been cutting?
Over a year. Used to do unintentional self harm? Like, I would absentmindedly scratch my skin open when I got anxious.

Favourite tool?
I break shaving razors/take them apart.

Where (place) do you cut (school, home, etc.)?
Bedroom/bathroom

Do you have to wear long-sleeves & long-pants all the time?
I generally don't anymore but when I cut frequently in visible places (lower arms) I did.

Do you cut on your stomach, or chest?
Not frequently.

Are your legs, arms, & other body parts covered in scars?
Arms, upper thighs.

What’s your favourite excuse to use when someone asks about a cut?
I tell little kids I've got a mean cat and anyone else that asks gets a blunt "fuck you, it's no concern of yours."

Have you ever been hospitalized because of your cutting?
Twice. It wasn't ALL I got hospitalized for, but it's what sealed the deal in me going.

When was the last time you cut?
September 17th, 2014.

Off the top of your head, about how many scars do you have?
Easily over 125 visible ones.

Do you have (diagnosed) depression, and/or bipolar/bpd?
Depression, no BPD. I've had depression forever, I attribute the cutting to the development of my ED.

Who knows you cut?
Eveyone that meets me and knows that these scars aren't just birthmarks or some other odd thing.

Have you ever been caught cutting?
No.

Have your parents ever confronted you about a bloody sleeve, or towel?
Nope.

Did you have a good childhood?
Nope.

Why do you cut?
Punishment. Distraction. Relief. I fucking hate myself and want to see me hurt.

Have you ever talked to a therapist or counsellor?
Ye.

Do you want to stop cutting (but can’t because of addiction)?
Not particularly. I

Do you like cutting?
Pretty much.

How many times have you tried to commit suicide?
5.

What are your views on cutting, and other self-injury?
Get a hobby like writing or singing. This is 100% preventable, so don't fucking dip your toes in the water to even see what it feels like. Don't do it.

Do you like watching movies with self-injury?
Those exist??

Do you like looking at pictures of self-injury?
Eh.

Do you sometimes envy other people (non-self-injurers)
Reguarly. 

Have you ever taken any pictures of your cuts/scars?
Yeah. I don't think self injury is beautiful or anything. I have a fear of forgetting things so I "document" what the really bad cuts have looked like.

Do you want to die?
24/7

Have you ever done a school assignment on cutting, or self-injury?
No.

What do you like to listen to while cutting/depression/etc.?
I don't listen to anything. I don't want to associate music with self harm in the future.

Have you ever needed stitches from cutting?
There have been two times I should have received stitches but no one knew I needed them so I didn't get them.

Do you dream about cutting?
I don't do a lot of dreaming.

What do you use to bandage your cuts?
Gauze, sometimes tissue and tape.
  • Mood: Neutral
  • Playing: dick around

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:iconstarlightt1234:
starlightt1234 Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:iconloveluvplz:thanks so much for the fave on THIS STUFF IS AWESOME #3!:iconaawplz:
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:iconspaceshipearth:
SpaceShipEarth Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2014
Welcome to :iconliterature-anonymous:
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:iconmisseridanampora:
MissEridanAmpora Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2014
thanks awfully for watching!
why, i believe i will watch back. you seem a fair young maiden, and a fine person at that! so, i must bid you adieu!
Reply
:iconterrehbau5:
Terrehbau5 Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! This will be a wonderful mutual watch!
Reply
:iconmisseridanampora:
MissEridanAmpora Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2014
Indeed, madam!
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