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About Literature / Hobbyist june ✿Female/United States Groups :iconwritersleague: WritersLeague
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Deviant for 3 Years
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I found a half smoked cigarette weeks into itching to try
Kept it in my pocket for a 6 hour shift
Cut off the burnt end
Relit after work

I choked and wanted to puke
It burnt my both my lungs and throat
It smelled like god forsaking the human race
I needed to sit down

I spent a grand total of 13.76
I got 2 black boxes for a discount of 50 cents each
A savings of a dollar +tax
Illegally sold them to myself

My first entire cigarette was hell
but you better believe I saw it through
I didn't spend 1.9 hours worth of my minimum wage on these
To not smoke the suckers

I stood by the big pine
more, I stood behind.
I shielded myself from the wandering eyes
of those that knew I was under age

I coughed violently
but you better believe I saw it though
I have done much worse to myself
for 0 dollars

I sat straddling the border between my neighbor's yard
and the street, an actual mug in hand
Chocolate hazlenut tea was the first,
the cigarette was the third

I felt woozy and still wanted to puke
but you better believe I saw it through
it was either this or ripping into flesh that has been clean
for longer than I had intentionally planned

My grandparents recently acquired an acre of land next to us
I cozied myself up between their decorative little conifers
laid on my leather jacket, and lit up
2 ears plugged into Hesitant Alien

It was cold and I listened to all 2339 seconds
you better believe I saw it through
Despite cold fingers and a heavy heart
I felt more present than ever

I wanna say that the high lasts and the smell is little more
than an inconvenience
that it isn't totally disgusting and it is definitely
super poetic and interesting

But it isn't, nothing ever is
and you better believe I will see it through time and time again
because I have never felt so content in my numbness
than with burning tobacco in hand.
Dumb Teenager Doing Dumb Teenage Things
this is not an ode to rebellion, but an admittance of complacency with defeat
I wish it still felt like the incandescent glow of the star that
breathes life into the organisms that help breath life into us.
Instead it feels like a searing hot butterknife jammed between
bones in the icebox I've called a ribcage
Hope burns my insides like moonshine,
And the thought of you makes me want to vomit.
No disgust, no regret that causes the gag reflex to engage,
But I can't handle moonshine, and I can't handle thoughts of you.
Somehow, I find myself solely thinking of that.
What I'd do to get the sunshine back,
What crosses I'd never bare again to make me good enough.
How could I appeal
How could I be worth more
Worth your time
Worth any sacrifice at all.
What I mostly think about is how on this little planet,
Me, planet earth
How I have been destroyed by a nuclear holocaust
How the skies have gone from blue and bright to dull gray nothing
How I have nearly destroyed myself, and I would get on both knees
and beg and pray and sacrifice those willing and those not
to escape the winter I have brought upon myself and see the sunshine again
Like I can't see the sun behind clouds, the sun can't see me.
And frankly, I don't believe it wants to.
I suppose this little tiny planet has wasted it's only chance,
The sun will warm and touch other planets, ones deserving of it
And everything will remain in orbit, hardly phased by what has taken place
On this little, tiny, insignificant grey and withered splotch that blew it's chance
That will never see the sunlight again.
Boys from California still feel like the fucking sunshine
And it already seems like it's been centuries since I've felt it.
41 deviations
i miss the sound of your voice
but i'm glad you've conquered wanting to hear mine

i miss speaking to you frequently
but i'm glad you couldn't give a fuck less

because this is a bad feeling
and i'd hate for you to wait around at my beck and call
like i have yours
because this is a bad feeling

being unwanted
is a bad feeling
it stops me from believing you
i don't understand how you can love or care for me
when i get a response from you via text once an hour
if lucky

this lonliness and isolation
forced lonliness and isolation
is enough to make me want to die

it's not just you
but you felt like the barrier
you felt like the difference between good
and what i'm forced to live with

now i know it's not true
and to tell you it hurts
to be unloved, to not be cared about
would be an understatement
to such a degree
i would call it a lie

this does not hurt me
this kills me
it cripples me
there was a reason
i strayed from commitment.
this was it.

i keep telling myself i wont text you back
one of these times
i wont respond
one of these days
to show you, to be in control
to give you a taste of what you've been feeding me

but i am weak.
i have been abandoned and i wont even leave
when it's in my best interest
you don't love me
you never did
Quick question, babe.
What exactly does kind of mean to you?
Boy, I'd walk barefoot on broken glass doused in lemon juice for
9,000 miles if it only meant I could hold your clammy ass
hand for a pitiful millisecond.
I'd rip both of my eyeballs out of my skull and sacrifice them
to any god you asked me to if it would keep you with me forever.
I'd do your chemistry homework if you had it.
I'd also do your calculus.
I'd stop using my favorite lotion if the scent bugged you.
I'd ditch the bikinis and hipsters and fill my drawers with pink
thongs if that would make you happy.
I have never wanted to rip you to fucking shreds after you call
me at 3 or 4 in the morning, drunk. In fact I've been glad to
hear your voice.
I threw away my only coping tools. Maybe it wasn't good, real
coping. But it was how I did it. And every last dull blade is
in the garbage and I haven't even broken up a razor and gotten
any "just in case."
I want to know what kind of means to you.

I know what kind of means to me.

Kind of - only a little bit.
Yes but no. I call her my girlfriend, but I mean come on it's
not real lol.

Kind of - when it's convenient for me.
I have a girlfriend when I need emotional support, but since
she's not really here, with me, right now, I don't have a
girlfriend when I want to fuck somebody.

Kind of - intentionally ambiguous.
I have many girlfriends that could see themselves as "kind of"
my woman.

Kind of - it's embarassing.
I'd never admit to being in a relationship with a girl I've
never met. That's stupid.

I know what kind of means to me.

I want to know what kind of means to you.

Am I here for entertainment? Convenience?
Am I part of a harem, or am I your shame?

I wish I was surprised,
but when I'm bled I bleed dry.


june ✿
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
United States
Check out my literature group and join please: :iconwritersleague:

I suffer from a few chronic mental illnesses and I am very sensitive to triggers. Please be wary of talking to me about subjects like specific weights, BMIs, caloric intakes, exercise patters, purging, restricting, and things of that nature. I would also appreciate refraining from mentioning self harm in graphic detail. Thank you.

I fall off the face of the planet sometimes and don't update shit for like three years at a time on accident so I'm sorry I just do other things and get caught up with things and I'm a dangass I know and I apologize but falling off the planet doesn't mean I hate you you're a little ball of fuzzy joy and if there was a plush of you I'd so buy it and squeeze it's cheeks.

Feel free to thank if you want you're awesome and mannerly if you say thank you for stuff. I'm not about to demand llamas instead that's assy.


Terrehbau5 has started a donation pool!
543 / 2,396
:icongorebeecormick: :iconalcetore: :iconthe-infamous-mrgates: :icondoofiesaurus: :iconnikafargos:

So I can buy a permanent membership that I really want because i have no actual money. Will make fansigns and give llamas for points too.

Fansigns for points: Fansigns will be made and uploaded Fridays and Saturdays only. If you ask for fansigns on a Saturday your fansign will most likely be made THE NEXT WEEK. To acquire a fansign you must message me requesting one and what you want the fansign to read . If caps/punctuation are important please include them. Please set the amount of points you are willing to donate (10 or more.) If there are any delays in the fansign being able to be made, I will notify you and your minimum of points to donate will be lowered to 5. Requests for provocative fansigns or images will be rejected immediately.

Writing for points: You may request a one-shot or a short story to be written. You must include specific plot details if you have anything specific in mind. If you simply want something like a fluffy love fest between you and Harry Styles and don't care about the other details, please state this.
Point outline for writing:
< 3,000 characters - point range will vary
3,000 characters - 30 points
4,000 characters - 40 points
5,000 characters - 50 points

As previously stated I will also give llamas for points. 1 or more points must be donated to receive a llama.

You must be logged in to donate.
  • :iconnikafargos:
    Donated Aug 14, 2014, 4:44:03 AM
  • :icondahub:
    Donated Jun 6, 2014, 9:39:09 PM
I'm bored as dicks and found a questionairre on someone else's dA so I was like "better put off finishing your character profiles for as long as humanly possible" so now you know my motives in this.

Nearly 17.


Label yourself (prep, goth, druggie, weirdo, etc)
Grunge fuckwit.

How long have you been cutting?
Over a year. Used to do unintentional self harm? Like, I would absentmindedly scratch my skin open when I got anxious.

Favourite tool?
I break shaving razors/take them apart.

Where (place) do you cut (school, home, etc.)?

Do you have to wear long-sleeves & long-pants all the time?
I generally don't anymore but when I cut frequently in visible places (lower arms) I did.

Do you cut on your stomach, or chest?
Not frequently.

Are your legs, arms, & other body parts covered in scars?
Arms, upper thighs.

What’s your favourite excuse to use when someone asks about a cut?
I tell little kids I've got a mean cat and anyone else that asks gets a blunt "fuck you, it's no concern of yours."

Have you ever been hospitalized because of your cutting?
Twice. It wasn't ALL I got hospitalized for, but it's what sealed the deal in me going.

When was the last time you cut?
September 17th, 2014.

Off the top of your head, about how many scars do you have?
Easily over 125 visible ones.

Do you have (diagnosed) depression, and/or bipolar/bpd?
Depression, no BPD. I've had depression forever, I attribute the cutting to the development of my ED.

Who knows you cut?
Eveyone that meets me and knows that these scars aren't just birthmarks or some other odd thing.

Have you ever been caught cutting?

Have your parents ever confronted you about a bloody sleeve, or towel?

Did you have a good childhood?

Why do you cut?
Punishment. Distraction. Relief. I fucking hate myself and want to see me hurt.

Have you ever talked to a therapist or counsellor?

Do you want to stop cutting (but can’t because of addiction)?
Not particularly. I

Do you like cutting?
Pretty much.

How many times have you tried to commit suicide?

What are your views on cutting, and other self-injury?
Get a hobby like writing or singing. This is 100% preventable, so don't fucking dip your toes in the water to even see what it feels like. Don't do it.

Do you like watching movies with self-injury?
Those exist??

Do you like looking at pictures of self-injury?

Do you sometimes envy other people (non-self-injurers)

Have you ever taken any pictures of your cuts/scars?
Yeah. I don't think self injury is beautiful or anything. I have a fear of forgetting things so I "document" what the really bad cuts have looked like.

Do you want to die?

Have you ever done a school assignment on cutting, or self-injury?

What do you like to listen to while cutting/depression/etc.?
I don't listen to anything. I don't want to associate music with self harm in the future.

Have you ever needed stitches from cutting?
There have been two times I should have received stitches but no one knew I needed them so I didn't get them.

Do you dream about cutting?
I don't do a lot of dreaming.

What do you use to bandage your cuts?
Gauze, sometimes tissue and tape.
  • Mood: Neutral
  • Playing: dick around

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LordIheanacho Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Happy Birthday comrade!
May equality and equity guide us all.

Birthday cake  icon Free Undertale Sans Headbob Icon 1 
Captain-MaggiePie Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2015  Student Artist
You're so cute ;w;
Terrehbau5 Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
oh god i hope you're not going off of any of the pictures i have here haha
thank you though
starlightt1234 Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:iconloveluvplz:thanks so much for the fave on THIS STUFF IS AWESOME #3!:iconaawplz:
SpaceShipEarth Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2014
Welcome to :iconliterature-anonymous:
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